Have the T-shirt

My 'Sexy' Voice

2009-11-10T17:17:00.003-05:00

Last night while TJ and I were eating dinner, the subject of my voice came up.

According to him, when I talk he hears "Neeh Neeh Neeh Neeh Neeh."

"That sounds like a witchy voice." I protested.

"Uh huh, when you talk, that's what I hear, a witchy voice."

"Huh. Well, I'll have you know that in the last week or two, I've had three men say that I have a Sexy Voice. Well actually, I've heard that all my life, but three times in just the last week!"

"How gullible are you?! All guys say that, hell, I tell girls that all the time."

Which kinda makes sense, cause when *I* hear my voice, it doesn't sound the least bit sexy.

Then today, the Musician Dude called me. I was in the car with the window down and he said, "Roll your window up, I can hardly hear your sexy voice."

"Pfft. Sexy voice...you're just sayin' that. I have it on good authority that I have a witchy voice and that you guys saying I have a sexy voice is just a ploy."

"I don't need a ploy, and you do have a sexy voice, especially on the phone and in bed."

*rolls eyes*

Miscellany

2009-11-09T21:30:00.002-05:00

Small Town Guy called and invited me to his Small Town for dinner Friday night. In preparation, I've dusted off my chastity belt and intend to leave the key at home, tied around Baby's neck.

Saturday night I'm seeing the recently divorced guy (Hello Dawn? This dude needs a name!). I am going to his house for pizza, beer and a movie.

TJ seems to be doing much better since his meds kicked in. He signed up for classes today for next semester. Since we won't meet with the Career Counselor until early December, choosing classes was a bit difficult. I encouraged him to take classes that really interested him since we're not sure what major he may choose yet.

He is re-taking Geography (which is the class he knows he is going to fail from this semester), a Film Studies class, Metaphysics and a class that covers the music of The Beatles. If he doesn't ace next semester then I'd say college is not for him.

None of his classes begin before noon which should work better with his natural bio-rhythms.

I am tentatively letting out a sigh of relief where TJ is concerned.

I finally got around to listening to the CD that CJ burned for me. The very first song blew me away. I came home and asked TJ if he'd heard the song, which is an acoustic version of one of my favorite songs - "Hey Ya" by Outcast. TJ had heard it and really liked it too.

"Well, who is the artist?"

"Some nobody (I doubt the artist would appreciate that pronoun) who became a big sensation on Youtube."

Yea, it seems I'm the only person on the planet who hadn't heard this version of this song...there are over 4 MILLION views on YouTube

You can listen to this nobody (Matt Weddle) here.

I think it's brilliant. Not only that, but it's easier to appreciate some of the well written lyrics in this version.

Music Appreciation Class is over, you're all dismissed.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila....FLOOR!

2009-11-08T23:17:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before on my blog, but I don't drink Tequila.

Joe Nichols sings of how Tequila makes her clothes fall off, and I have that issue with Tequila, but my problems go even deeper....no pun intended (you'll get the joke in a second here).

I'm liable to do anything if I've been drinking Tequila, which is why I don't. For instance, I don't like anal sex and the reason I know this has everything to do with Tequila.

Then there was the time a few years ago when the Musician Dude got me loopy on the stuff. We had consumed several beers when he pulled out a shot glass and the bottle of Tequila.

"You know I don't touch that stuff and you know why."

"Yea, but you're among friends, I promise I won't approach from the rear."

We each drank a couple of shots, and I went from zero to stupid drunk in about fifteen minutes.

He took me by the hand and led me back into the kitchen. Standing at the counter he said, "Here, we're each gonna do one more shot."

I'll spare you the ensuing conversation, but suffice it to say there was a lot of whining and complaining on my part.

He kept insisting I have one more shot and since the whining and complaining wasn't working, I decided to engage in a distraction maneuver and fell to my knees and got busy in the area of his fly.

"Nice try, now get up here and do your shot."

So I drank my damn shot, and he and I walked into the living room. He walked between the coffee table and couch and started to sit down. I walked around the coffee table to have a seat on the other end of the couch.

Next thing I knew, I 'woke up' with my feet on one side of the coffee table, and my head laying on the other side of the coffee table on the floor.

"Are you OK?!!"

I shook the cloud out of my head and said, "Yea, but I think the lens popped out of my glasses."

He picked me up and sat me on the couch, then sat beside me and worked at putting my lens back in place.

Laughing his ass off the whole time.

"You just kinda folded in half there honey. Actually, now I can see how you happened to experience anal sex after drinking Tequila....you were in the perfect position!"

Jump forward to my date on Saturday night. First of all, it was an eleven hour date. The longest date I've ever had in my life that didn't involve a sleep over.

This date was with the recently divorced guy, and really DAWN, we need a better name for him. Anyway, he took me to this really neat place about and hour and a half away. One of the features of this place was a wine tasting room.

We drank endless samples of wine. Seriously, I wouldn't be surprised to know that we had consumed three glasses of wine in total. The problem was that we were consuming them very fast. The dude was serving them as if he were dealing blackjack in Vegas. I've never experienced wine tasting like that, it was like we were trying out for some new world record of wine consumption or something.

Anyway, when I stood up, I definitely felt the effects of the wine.

Next on the agenda was a musical production. While we sat in the auditorium waiting for the show to begin, we were talking about the different wines that we'd liked and somehow Margaritas came up.

"Well," I said, "I don't drink those. I don't drink Tequila."

And then I told him why.

Which he found very funny, but the next morning I was thinking that perhaps I should give up wine too. Apparently it loosens my tongue to an alarming degree.

When gulped instead of sipped, that is.

Paying for the Pleasure of my Company

2009-11-07T11:27:00.003-05:00

You are gonna laugh when I tell you this, and honestly, it just occurred to me last night, but.....I have paid for my own way on every one of my recent dates.

Oh, the men always try to pay, but I throw money at them to cover my half of the meal and mutter about how I don't think guys should have to carry the burden of dating.

Three dates in with Small Town Guy, well, I think I've set a precedent where he probably expects me to pay and I guess that I now feel obligated to pay my half.

Traditional dating is supposed to be where the guy wines and dines the lady, right?

I kinda like being wined and dined when the wining and dining is being done by someone I'm really interested in, but I have set up this impossible situation now where Small Town Guy will probably never feel a need to wine and dine me.

When I went out last weekend with the recently divorced guy and he went to pay the bill, I threw money at him and he said, "Wow, you really are independent, huh?"

I really don't think my behavior is a result of being independent, it's more a function of my being stoopid.

I mean, really, what was I thinking?! I have no idea what underlying issue is at work when you refuse to allow a man to buy your dinner.

I also wonder what these guys think of my behavior.

I met my friend Dee this morning for coffee and we were discussing my date last night with Small Town Guy, and I told her how hard it was not to just jump into bed with him, (although it really wasn't that hard...we were at my house and TJ could have come home at any time) and then we were laughing about my illogical behavior regarding paying my own way on dates and she said, "Tell him he has to buy you dinner next time, or there will be no sex!"

She was joking, but you kinda wonder how many guys see buying a woman dinner as an investment in their sexual future. Do guys think like that?!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on all this.

An Hour or Two with my Boys

2009-11-06T08:53:00.004-05:00

CJ called yesterday afternoon and wanted to know what I was doing. He's been trying to get out of the house each day for a while in an attempt to improve his mood.

"Well, I'm leaving in a few minutes to go workout, but I'll be back in about an hour. TJ should be home from school soon though, so come on by."

When I got back, both of my boys were here so we began doing what we do best.....talking.

With these two, the conversation is liable to go anywhere and yesterday it wandered to a documentary CJ had seen online about a very smart bird named Alex.

"Oh," I said, "I have that book, 'Alex and Me', you'd love it!" So, I went and retrieved it for him from my bookshelf.

Then he described a movie he'd seen online that was not released due to copyright issues with the music used by the artist, Nina Paley. Apparently Nina's husband took a job in India, and while there dumped her via email. So Nina created this movie, which is somehow loosely based on her life but told as the story of Sita and Rama. I haven't figured out yet how it's based on her life though.

Anyway, I've watched half of it so far, and it is an amazing piece of work, "Sita Sings the Blues".

Then CJ said that he's been using a sleeping aid, Lunesta, in an attempt to get to sleep before dawn. The medication is working, but he now has some very strange dreams.

"I used to never remember my dreams, but these dreams are the kind that you wake up from briefly, and fight to get back to sleep and back into the dream."

TJ's ears perked up when CJ mentioned his dreams. TJ dreams alot and, almost without fail, he runs to the computer to see if he can interpret his dreams using some website. He is almost compulsive about this stuff.

CJ said, "Last night I dreamed that I was in a huge bowl of mashed potatoes, and my job was to stir them up. I kept waking up, and this lumpy pillow was laying beside me and I'd think, 'Oh, the potatoes are still lumpy, I've got to get them mixed up better', and then I'd go back to sleep and keep trying to stir those damned mashed potatoes!"

"Mashed potatoes?" asked TJ. "Just plain Mashed potatoes? No gravy?"

"Yea, plain potatoes, no gravy....it was the weirdest thing. And then later I dreamed I was driving to Chicago, you know Mom on that road we take, what is it, 80/94?"

"Uh huh"

"Well, I was driving on that road and I had to get to Chicago for some reason; it always seems like in these dreams I have a purpose; some job to do."

"Was the road bumpy?" asked TJ.

"No."

"Was it cracked?"

"No, but there was a flood."

"Oh!" said TJ. "Was it a small flood or a raging flood?"

"It was a raging flood, and I was all upset cause I couldn't get to Chicago."

"OK," said TJ, "let me check that out."

And up he hops and runs to his computer to interpret CJ's dreams.

For some reason, this cracked me up. TJ drilling CJ for the details that he knew would be 'key' in interpreting his dreams. Apparently gravy has some deep meaning, and lack of it must have some significance too.

TJ couldn't find anything related to Mashed potatoes, but determined that, I think it was the flood, represents sexual frustration.

Then they both started raggin' on me for bringing men I hardly know home. They weren't concerned about my safety, or anything loving like that, they felt it was inappropriate since I still have a child at home.

"Huh? But I don't still have a child at home. I have a 19 year old adult living under my roof with me. You know, when you boys were younger, I didn't bring anyone home to meet you until I was fairly involved with them. I don't think I need to practice the same caution in that regard as I did when you were younger."

"Well, I don't like having strangers around." TJ said.

"That's funny, cause some of your friends are pretty strange, but I have to endure their presence."

Then CJ said he'd burned a CD for me and left it on my desk. Both of my boys try to turn me on to various artists, but CJ has a much better success rate than TJ does. Every once in a while TJ will get a hit; I'm in love with Citizen Cope because of him for example, but usually I pretty much hate the crap TJ insists I listen to.

I haven't listened to the CD that CJ left me yet, I've been too busy watching "Sita Sings the Blues", but CJ labelled it "Acoustic for Mom", which tickled me.

We also talked about cooking; CJ loves to cook and always makes my mouth water when he tells me what recent dishes he's whipped up. Then we watched TJ play some Jack Black video game and discussed that new movie, "Paranormal Activity", which CJ thought was really good, but I still don't wanna see it. I don't like being scared. Unless I'm reading Stephen King, then scared is stellar.

Usually by the time CJ leaves I'm exhausted. It's non-stop brain drain.

Those two are pretty entertaining though.

Burning the past

2009-11-05T13:54:00.005-05:00

I was laying in bed early this morning when I got a phone call.

I needed to jot down some information, so I opened my nightstand and grabbed a pencil and one of several old journals, to write on.

Then I hung up the phone and sat back and read the journal.

Whoo Boy. Is that ever uncomfortable; reading through an old journal which, day by day, memorializes the downward spiral of a relationship.

Yet, I'm convinced that journaling is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.

This journal was from about three years ago, and covers the time when I was dealing with my unhappiness with my Long Distance Relationship. Through journaling I made some pretty important discoveries.

You could call it my 'Lightbulb Moment'.

Now, most people, when they have a 'Lightbulb Moment', actually make important changes or embrace certain realities.

However, I'm not like most people.

In my journal I talked about needing to take six months to a year, just to recover and regroup. I talked about needing to be happy with *me* before I tried to be with someone else. I vowed to get my shit together, once and for all.

Huh.

Well, I did start seeing Dawn, my therapist, at that time and that was immensly helpful, but I also got involved with B within three or four months, and we all know how that turned out.

The thing is, that in looking back through this journal and all the promises I made to myself (that I promptly blew off), I realize that three years later, almost to the day, I have accomplished those things. Yes, I had to wade through one more difficult breakup to arrive at the place where I found myself happy with my own company, but I did get there. I had to get knocked down that far so that it would take me over a year to pick myself up, brush myself off, and put myself back out there.

It all started me to thinking about how sometimes, this needs to happen, before that can happen.

I guess what I mean is that maybe I needed to have B in my life and experience all the wonderul things I experienced with him, and experience the very difficult letting go of all those wonderful things, before I could finally, really grasp, how wonderful *I* am, just by myself.

I remember, several years ago, re-reading the journals I kept during and right after my divorce. It was shocking. Shocking to remember how much I was going through during that time, and shocking to realize, that overall, I did an amazing job moving through it all.

When I journal, I am as honest as I can possibly be; the good, the bad, the ugly, the completely neurotic. I've never been aware of it until now, but when I journal, I am writing a message to my future self: See how bad that was and see how much you learned as a result?

I have never been able to burn my journals, but honestly? I think I'm getting closer and closer to the place where I can burn them because I'm closer to being whole than I've ever been before in my life.

One day, I'm gonna burn my past, but for now I take comfort in knowing that all the hard lessons of life are hidden away between those pages...... should I ever need a refresher course.

Ten Stupid Things

2009-11-04T20:49:00.002-05:00

1. Twelve pounds down and eight to go! This workout I’m doing is awesome, coupled with the major changes I’ve made in the way I eat (and cutting out all those sugary sodas). It’s kinda weird though, I can ‘feel’ the loss in the way my clothes fit, but I can’t really ‘see’ it when I look in the mirror.

2. TJ and I went to dinner tonight and he pissed me the hell off. Somehow the conversation turned to B, and TJ stated that he thought I was a “typical woman” because I dumped “poor” B just because he had a problem with alcohol. TJ felt I should have been more loving, offered support, helped him….”NOT LET HIM DRINK’. Must be nice to be 19 and totally clueless. Not let B drink? First of all, I was never around when he drank; he purposely drank behind my back. Secondly, I was as supportive and loving as I could be, for the better part of a year. Still, TJ’s comments brought back all the turmoil I was in during that time and it hurt to know that he doesn’t support my decision to move on from that relationship. Last time I take that brat to dinner!

3. I went out this weekend with the guy my blogger friend introduced me to. He has said that he isn’t interested in getting involved with anyone right now, since he is so newly divorced, and I would never get involved with someone who was so newly divorced, so I suggested that we just be friends. This weekend we are going to some dinner/theatre place that is about an hour and a half away…sounds like fun.

4. Small Town Guy is coming to have dinner with me Friday night and then we are coming back to my house to watch a movie. This way he can see where I live, meet TJ and Bailey and he can see my Salt and Pepper Shaker collection! If he doesn’t run screaming into the night after viewing it, I might just get frisky on the couch with him after TJ goes out. But not TOO frisky!

5. Two weeks from tonight I will be in LA visiting my baby sister. She is getting us tickets to see either Craig Ferguson or Jimmy Kimmel. She tried to get Conan tickets, but they sent them for the following week, after I come home.

6. The quest I’m on to get new Health Insurance is SO freakin’time consuming! Health Insurance is the one really big drawback to being Self Employed. Oh, and the Self Employment Tax, that sucks pretty hard too. Oh, and the not enough business in this economic downturn, that blows as well.

7. Christmas must be around the corner. I know this because every day when I open my mailbox, it is stuffed full of catalogs. I am going to have to really work myself into some kind of Christmas Spirit this year. CJ is depressed, TJ is a mess, I’m not speaking to my Mom and I’m trying to watch my pennies. All in all, I’m gonna have to dig pretty deep to find some joy.

8. CJ and his girlfriend will not be having Thanksgiving Dinner with us this year; they are headed north to partake with her family. That means I get to cook a big ole’ meal for me and that brat, TJ.

9. The Mexican dudes came and mowed and raked and trimmed and cleaned gutters. I love these guys….I wish they cleaned houses and did windows! I can’t really communicate with them very well, so we stand and smile and point a lot at each other, but somehow it works. Maybe this is a method I should try on the men that I date; just smile and point a lot.

10. My ex husband called three weeks ago and arranged to stop by and drop off the child support he is months behind on. Only he didn’t stop by as arranged and I’ve heard nothing from him. Between the child support and his half of non-reimbursed medical, I think he owes me close to $2,500. I could sure use that money before Christmas, the asshat.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

2009-11-02T21:14:00.011-05:00

I have a bad habit of getting myself into all kinds of strange shit.

I don't do this intentionally, usually a passing comment is all it takes and next thing you know, I'm chatting live with Wombat over at Kiss & Blog on Blog Talk Radio.

Several weeks ago Wombat blogged about an idea he had regarding online dating. The above link to his blog will take you to the post where he discusses his idea. You'll notice that, in the comment section, I mention what a good idea I think it is, and then, presto chango, somehow I committed myself to chatting with him about the whole thing.

I'm going to post a link to the broadcast so you can check it out if you'd like. What you'll hear, in addition to Wombat and I, is my dog, Baby, barking her fool head off every few minutes.

Knowing that Baby would likely find something to bark at during the hour of our discussion, I retired to my garage so I could chat in peace. Little did I know that, even out in the garage, it sounded like Baby was right beside me.

The other thing I hope you'll hear, is how much fun I had doing this. I was a nervous wreck for the two or three hours leading up to our chat, but Wombat put me at ease immediately and you'll see that he's a great interviewer.

You'll also hear my very own, unique pronunciation of the word prevalent. Sheesh.

The final thing you'll notice is that halfway through, Wombat loses his phone connection and I suffer through dead air time.

The interview is an hour long, but you'll hardly notice the time passing because I'll wow you with my sparkling wit and Wombat's charm is legendary.

So without further adieu:

Going Around in Circles

2009-10-31T12:40:00.002-05:00

a/k/a - I haven't got a fucking clue.

In the 16 years since my divorce, I've travelled a windy, rocky path to get to where I am today.

And where exactly is that?

Well, I thought I'd gotten to the place where I finally knew what I wanted and how to go about getting it.

But then I go on a second date with some dude, and suddenly none of my thought processes make complete sense to me.

That's because I find myself in the position of needing to explain my thought processes and I find that even to *my* ears, they sound wacky.

The Goal - I want a long term relationship.

I realized several years ago that I have approached this goal from every conceivable angle, and yet not walked away with the prize. I spent a lot of time looking back, analyzing my behaviors and the outcomes.

Dating a guy 19 years younger than me? Not so smart.

Dating a guy who lived 4,000 miles away from me? Tons of fun, very healing, but in the end, doomed to fail.

Dating men (and sleeping with them) simply because I liked them, had fun with them, but never really knew them until long after sex came into play? Didn't work....didn't work....didn't work (multiplied a gazillion times)

Then I decided to approach dating in a different way. First I clearly defined what I wanted in a mate. Then I determined that, unlike the past, I wasn't going to just blunder along and fall into relationships. I am not a puppy, so patting me on the head was not going to make me blindly follow some idiot willy nilly.

I went off with my little plan and found B. I took my time getting to know him. I thought I'd found The One. I thought I had chosen so carefully. And then it all went tits up and the resulting crash left me, well, devastated.

So, last night, I had a second date....SECOND date with a guy, who I like just fine, but of course, I barely know him. He lives an hour and a half away from me in a small town. He works less than an hour away from me in a larger town. I met him there for dinner.

After dinner we decided to see a movie, but had missed all the show times. He invited me to his house to watch a movie.

I felt comfortable going to his house, I wasn't afraid I'd wind up chopped into little pieces and placed in a trash bag or anything, and I was curious to see the small town he lives in and his house. We left his car parked where he works and drove to his small town together in my car.

About half way through the movie, we got a little frisky. But when the frisky got friskier than I was comfortable with, I told him, "I didn't come to your house to sleep with you."

"That's fine, we don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

Here's the thing. I haven't had sex (with anyone but myself) in over a year. I wanted to have sex with this guy probably as badly as he wanted to have sex with me.

Only that runs counter to my goal.

Completely counter.

Sure, we could have sex, continue dating and eventually find that we want to have a 'relationship' with each other. We could also continue dating (and having sex) and find out three months from now that we don't even like each other very well, once we really get to know each other. As I stated above, I HAVE that T-shirt. A whole collection of them, in fact.

As we were driving back to his car, he said, "So, how do you feel about how far apart we live?"

"Well, I think it's difficult."

"Yea, but not impossible, right? I mean, I don't think it's impossible."

I didn't even answer him, because right at that moment, I had other things on my mind.

Like..."damn, it would have been nice to have sex!"

The way I see it, in my convoluted little mind, it comes down to either holding off on sex (and who knows how long he'd be willing to hold off on sex; although, if he's half the gentleman he appears to be, that shouldn't really be an issue) or become fuck buddies, knowing up front that that's all we'll ever be.

I know, that's kinda black and white, but I just have this strong feeling that having sex too soon can kill a potential relationship; I have years of failed relationships to back up my beliefs.

And this guy has many, many qualities that make him potential relationship material, and then add to the list that he is an amazing kisser and quite passionate. (I kinda think he'd be a good lover)

Then my mind starts circling around the fact that I'm dating other guys, and to be sleeping with one of them, well, that just seems wrong to me. I have a very limited comfort zone it seems. I mean, I have a second date tomorrow night with the guy that my blogger friend, Lisa, fixed me up with. I don't think I would feel right dating one man if I were sleeping with another man.

The next time I see this guy I went out with last night, I'm probably going to be in the position of having to explain all this to him; only I can hardly explain it to him if I have such a flimsy grasp on it myself, huh?

Could someone please stop the spinning in my head?

Be gentle with me....I'm horny :P

HIS Stress is Killin' Me

2009-10-29T08:23:00.002-05:00

*My* life is beginning to fill up with stress. TJ's additional stress is about to push me right over the edge.

There are lots of little things I'm dealing with right now; client issues and scheduling complications, concerns about money, shopping/applying for new health insurance (a pain in the ass and surprisingly stressful), CJ's issues and just generally not enough time in the day OR not enough motivation to achieve what I need to each day.

And then there is TJ, who is still struggling with school issues.

After having his wisdom teeth removed last Friday, he did pretty well. On Monday morning he was still in some pain, but went to classes. He came home, ate lunch with CJ and I and then he went to bed.

For 24 hours!

I woke him to take his medication, rinse his mouth and to eat, but he slept almost 24 hours straight.

Which means he missed his classes on Tuesday; he was in no shape to go.

I still don't know what was wrong with him, he had no fever, and other than pain from his oral surgery, he had no other symptoms besides being terribly weak and extremely tired.

I took him to the oral surgeon Tuesday afternoon to make sure everything in his mouth was OK, and they said it was and suggested that if he didn't start feeling better by Wednesday, that he should see his regular doctor.

Wednesday he was better and went to class. He came home and began work on a project that is due today. It is time for him to leave for school in about ten minutes, and he's still working on that project.

He worked on it from about 4 pm Wednesday until 2:30 AM this morning, and got up at 8 to complete it....only it's not yet complete.

I feel like every nerve fiber in my body is on high alert....I am on the very edge; I can't imagine what he's feeling.

Yesterday he said he wonders if he's on the right medication, that maybe he needs a medication for anxiety, not depression. I have no idea what he needs but I told him that since he has taken one week of a lower dose of his new medication and is only halfway through the first week of an increased dose of the medication, maybe we should wait till next week and see how he's feeling. If he is not seeing an improvement, he could go back to the doctor and discuss other options.

In addition to all this, it is almost time to sign up for next semesters classes, yet he has no idea what he wants to change his major to. I have contacted the career counselor that was recommended to me and they are mailing a 'test' for TJ to complete. Once we mail that back, we'll then schedule a meeting with them to go over the results.

We will not have met with the career counselor before it's time to schedule classes though, which is a bit of a bummer.

I guess we'll muddle through the scheduling, but I can't help but feel that TJ will be taking some things that he doesn't need to take or that might not count towards whatever course of study he ultimately decides on. One thing we've agreed on is that he'll take the lightest schedule possible, while still retaining a full time student designation. I don't think he can handle a 15 hour load right now.

I don't think *I* can handle him having a 15 hour load either.

He has pointed out to me that *I* stress too much about his shit, and he's right...but I can't help it. I feel his stress all the way to my core.

So neither of us are getting the sleep we need, neither of us are eating properly because who has an appetite when your stomachs in knots?! My head has been pounding for three days now.

I don't know what kind of medication TJ needs, but I need some kind of nerve pill!

It's almost funny really. I mean, I keep counseling him to just stay focused and work as hard as possible and just get through the rest of this semester the best he can; but I'm the one falling apart right alongside of him.

I know that in the big scheme of things, I hope this will be but a small bleep of trouble and everything will get better and move forward with a good outcome, but it's still difficult living this everyday.

The guy I had dinner with last Wednesday that I am seeing again Friday told me the story of his oldest daughter. When he was done I told him, "Well, you win. The story of your oldest daughter is much worse than the story of my older son." His daughter began running away from home at the age of 14. She would disappear for months at a time. Nothing he and his wife did changed her behavior. She eventually got tied up with some sort of drug cartel and wound up in jail, sentenced to twenty some years in prison, but was released after three.

OK, nothing I've experienced with my boys rivals that.

Sometimes all you can do is keep in mind that things could be so much worse.

And sometimes, all you can do is hide in the bathroom and cry.

The Week (end) in Review

2009-10-25T18:25:00.002-05:00

TJ has done very well after his oral surgery. We are both so glad to finally have that out of the way.

Saturday I was a complete lazy ass, doing nothing but laundry and reading all day. Saturday night I met the man that my blogger friend, Lisa, fixed me up with. We went to a local sports bar that has live music and had a great time.

Today I met my girlfriends at Starbucks for some girl time and then went to Target for groceries. CJ and his girlfriend were supposed to come for dinner tonight, but they had a bit of a brush up and he called at practically the last minute and cancelled, which left me more time to read!

The gentleman I had dinner with on Wednesday called this afternoon and asked me to have dinner with him Friday night.

The client that I have an appointment with tomorrow called me yesterday and told me that someone (likely a drunk someone) had crashed into the corner of their building at 3AM Saturday morning. He left the scene of the accident and left behind their server room, totally destroyed, so I won't be going there tomorrow....or until they get their computers/servers up and running again. I sure hope they have good offsite backups!

CJ stopped by Friday afternoon and he's not doing so well. He's been unemployed for nine months and it's beginning to get him down. As if the past nine months haven't been difficult, he sees nothing but the same ahead too. On top of that, he gave away his large fishtank. He's not able to afford the upkeep on it, but he's very unhappy seeing it go. This is my child who is generally cheerful, so it's hard to see him depressed. I get one kid headed in the right direction, and then the other falls apart.

Sigh.

Wisdom

2009-10-23T10:41:00.002-05:00

I remember when I had my Wisdom Teeth out; all four at once. I was in my early twenties and my now ex-husband went with me. As we were driving home, I remember clearly talking a blue streak, and Terry trying to interpret what I was saying around the gauze packing in my mouth. Finally he said, "Just stop talking. I can't understand half of what you're saying and the other half makes no sense."

TJ had all four of his Wisdom Teeth out this morning, and I relived that car ride home, only from the driver's seat.

TJ didn't shut up the entire way; as we drove through the pharmacy to drop off his prescriptions, then through the drive thru at DQ to get him a milk shake, then back through the pharmacy drive thru to pick up his medicine.

Easily half of what he said to me I didn't understand. I did catch his inquiry as to what prescriptions the doctor had ordered.

"Well, Demerol for pain, a high strength Ibuprofen for swelling, a pill to prevent nausea and and an antibiotic."

"An antibiotic? Oh good, that'll clear up my Chlamydia."

When we got home, I removed the packing from his mouth so he could eat his Milk Shake and he was still bleeding pretty badly.

"Once you eat that and take your medicine, I'm gonna put more packing in and then you need to bite down and stop talking so we can get the bleeding stopped."

He took advantage of having no packing in his mouth to communicate all the things I hadn't understood on the way home. He told me that had been huffing the nitrous oxide, trying to inhale enough to knock him out cold. His brow furrowed as he was trying to remember what happened after that, but decided he must have succeeded in knocking himself out cold.

"Do I have Milk Shake all over my face?"

"Umm, yea, you're making a fine mess of it."

So I wet a cloth and wiped him down and then watched as he took his medicine, dribbling water down his front.

I repacked his mouth, telling him to bite down and stop talking.

"hummph gremp humf mrft!"

"What part of stop talking didn't you understand? Wait...don't answer that...just be quiet."

A half hour later he is still bleeding pretty badly, so more packing and pleas to hush.

Currently he is sitting on the floor in front of the TV in the Great Room playing a video game. I expect him to pass out anytime now cause the Demerol is gonna kick in.

He's a pretty easy patient, although he takes after his mother and can't remain quiet for more than two minutes at a time.

Little Red Corvette

2009-10-21T20:25:00.002-05:00

I actually like this guy I had dinner with tonight.

While I thought he lived two hours away, he assures me it's more like an hour.

I didn't drive tonight, he came to my neck of the woods.

He's attractive, intelligent and one of those nice guys that many girls (read the old me) usually run from. He seems very centered and has a good sense of humor.

And.....

he drives a brand new, mid life crisis red corvette convertible!

Oh, and as I was driving away, he was walking to his car, which was parked half a mile away from the restaurant to protect his doors from dings....and I noted that he has a very nice ass.

He's a runner...runners almost always have nice asses.

He told me that he went on a 62 mile bike ride with his brother a few weeks ago. He usually rides 30 miles, but because his brother was riding the entire 62 miles, he of course had to as well. You can't let your brother show you up! As he was riding back into town, coasting down the hill to cross the finish line, his legs began to cramp up.

Apparently very badly.

When he got home, his daughter stopped by. She has massage training, so she offered to massage his legs.

He was in so much pain he asked her, "Has anyone ever died from cramps?"

"I doubt it," she told him.

"Are you sure, cause I feel like I might be dying."

OK, he has a touch of melodrama...but I could live with that. If *I* had ridden 62 miles, I can guarantee you I'd be dead.

In other news, my blogging buddy Lisa has hooked me up with a friend's uncle. He and I are to have dinner Saturday night. This guy works in the forensic department of the Sheriff's Department...ewww! I'm not sure what he does there, but I'm getting a visual of blood and body parts.

If at First You Don't Succeed

2009-10-21T14:17:00.002-05:00

Online dating has been less than enjoyable for me, and yet, I've paid for a subscription, so I continue to use the service.

I am meeting a man for dinner tonight that I emailed with several times and then spoke with on the phone.

Actually, this guy seems pretty OK. There has been nothing that has set off my BS alarm, nothing that has made me go....hmmmmm.

When we spoke on the phone, I told him about the guy I met online whose wife called me last week.

"Well," he said, "I'm not married, and I'm not a serial killer either....well, as long as I take my meds."

He may not be married and he may only resort to violence unmedicated, but there is one very major problem with this guy.

He lives almost two hours away.

I question the wisdom of even going there with this guy.

I once dated a guy who lived an hour away, and while it wasn't terrible, the more serious we became, the more unsavory the distance seemed. We'd typically wind up spending most of the weekend at either his place or mine. What this means is that your life, all of a sudden, isn't normal anymore. It's not normal to be away from your home so many weekends or have a guest in your home so much of the time.

Of course, there was also that guy I dated who lived 4,000 miles away. That was doomed to fail from the get go.

So why am I even pursuing this thing with this guy who lives almost 2 hours away?

I dunno.

Maybe because he seems like the best prospect I've found so far?

Maybe because I love setting up impossible scenarios for myself?

Maybe because I need my head examined .....further?

Something else on my mind:

I have a pair of boots I love....LOVE! The heel is beat to hell, but the boots are in pretty good shape. These are boots I wear only with jeans, very casual.

So, I took them to the shoe repair store, and for $14.50, I had the heel refurbished.

But let me tell you about this store. Oy vey! You walk in and there is a pile of shoes and leather coats on the counter; about three feet deep. Surrounding the register area there are shelves piled with shoes with claim tags attached, but these shelves are in no way organized.

Apparently, there are similar shelves in the 'back' area of the store, cause the guy disappears back there when you go to claim your shoes, and he doesn't return for about five minutes.

During that five minutes, you convince yourself that the dude is never going to find your shoes and you're pretty sure that given just a few hours, you could organize this mess and cut down the amount of time the dude spends hunting down people's shoes.

Seriously, the mess creates such inefficiency!

Today, I picked up my boots and left my leather coat, which has a small rip that needs repaired. It made me more than a little nervous, leaving my leather coat there....he may never find it when I go to retrieve it next week!!!

And finally....I saw the Sleep Doctor again today. Talk about inefficient! I get there and they don't have the results of my heart monitor test! So, I'm still waiting for that, but have noticed that since I have stopped drinking caffeine (well except for one early morning glass of iced green tea), those sensations have almost disappeared.

I told the Sleep Doc this and he said, "Wow! I was just reading an article about this last night...I think you might be right!"

Caffeine = evil.

Just Shoot Me Now

2009-10-20T12:39:00.002-05:00

Things with TJ are still a mess.

He did go to the doctor's office and has agreed to take medication, which he started today. The doctor also wants TJ to take a Multi-vitamin, high in certain items.

While that is a step in the right direction, in the mean time...until the medication kicks in, TJ is falling apart.

He had a mid-term test today, which he slept through...in spite of the fact that I set my phone alarm as a reminder to myself to call him to assure he didn't sleep through his test.

He answered my call, spoke with me and then went back to sleep.

In addition to that, he had a paper due today. A short story of five pages that he started over three times. When I got up last night at 3 AM to use the restroom, TJ was still up working on it, but never got past page two.

So his paper didn't get turned in either.

When I got home today at 12:30, I woke him up and told him to get up and take his medicine and then he and I had another discussion.

He says that at this point, he is not doing well in any of his classes and is probably failing half of them.

I told him that if he is put on academic probation, he will lose his student loans and I asked him what he wants.....to continue with school or not.

He says he wants to continue with school and I told him that that would be what I would want as well. I pointed out that while things look pretty damn bad today, all is not lost.

"You have half a semester to pull this out of the toilet. If you have an 'F' in a class right now, and you do really well the second half of the semester, you can at least crawl away with a 'C'. You will not be on academic probation, you will not lose your funding."

He complained about the difficulty of working 30 hours a week and going to school.

"My requirement is that you work 20 hours a week."

"Well, I have to work what they schedule me or I lose my job."

"TJ lots of people work 30 hours a week and still manage a full course load. Next semester maybe you should only take 12 credit hours if 15 is overwhelming you, but you need to get this semester under your belt, and that may mean you have to curtail some of your free time activities to accomplish it."

This paper that didn't get turned in....he's known about it for a week. He didn't begin working on it until Sunday. He didn't have to work Sunday at all, and spent most of the day watching football, playing video games or hanging out with his friends. He worked on his story for a few hours between class and work yesterday, and then toiled away on it for several hours after work last night (he didn't get home from work until 11:30).

I told him that time management is a problem for him. Some of it is probably out of his control at this point....that's what depression does....it makes you unable to do the things you need to do. But if his medication begins to help in a few weeks, he will still need to get better at time management.

"Your priorities have got to be, school, homework and job. Everything else needs to come after you've met those responsibilities."

He spent a lot of time arguing with me, pointing out how great my life is because...gosh....it's just past noon and I'm home for the day.

"TJ, how much or how little *I* work has nothing to do with this discussion. This discussion is about you and your desire to finish college."

Since raggin' on me about how great my life is didn't work, he started whining about needing to change majors. I have located a company that does career counseling and have spoken to several people who have used their services either for themselves or their children, so I told TJ I thought that we should have him use their services.

He thought that would be helpful.

I know he is feeling overwhelmed and like all hope is lost. After our discussion I think he at least sees that his situation is not hopeless....that it is within his power to turn this around.

But I have to tell you, I'm strung as tight as my Taylor Guitar. I'm somewhat stressed about the downturn in my business and the increase in my health insurance premiums....but I handle that stress pretty well because I know I'm doing everything I can to address those issues.

This shit with TJ is so much harder because, while I'm doing everything I can to address his issues, in the end, he's the only one who can actually improve the situation.

Gentle Mothering

2009-10-15T15:36:00.002-05:00

You will want to read this post first for background if you haven't already read it.

I am very concerned about TJ....about this depression which manifests itself as sadness, inability to sleep at night, inability to get up as necessary in the morning for class and basically not functioning well with his responsibilities.

I've cried a small river (does that mean I cried a creek?) of tears this afternoon. I talked with CJ, my sister and various friends in the blogosphere about this situation.

We all agree that medication is called for, but TJ is an adult and after meeting with his doctor several months ago, he refused the medication that the doctor suggested.

At 3:oo, before I left to go to the gym, I woke TJ up (well, he was awake, but still laying in bed buried under the covers). I was crying, and I told him that I'm very concerned about him, about the fact that he missed class again; that he isn't functioning well. I told him that I'm sure that he is as upset as I am that he overslept again. He agreed. I told him that I would be home by 4:15 and that I wanted him here when I returned so that we could talk.

And this is basically what I said to him:

First of all, I want you to know that I'm not mad at you; I'm concerned about you. I know that when you wake up, long after class is over, you are upset with yourself. I can see it in your eyes and your demeanor. And that's the whole point TJ....I know you WANT to do better, your intention is not to blow off your classes, but you are unable to DO better. (this is where he started crying)

I love you and I care about you....I want you to be successful, so we need to find a solution to this problem. You have all the symptoms of true clinical depression TJ (which I listed for him) and when you saw Dr P and discussed this with him, he felt that medication could help you.

I know you're opposed to medication, you don't want to be a "zombie", unable to "feel anything". But I have to tell you that your perceptions of what this type of medication does to a person is not really valid. I'm not a doctor, I can't begin to explain to you how it works or why it works or even what it might make you "feel like", but I can tell you that the people I know who take medication for depression swear that it changed their lives. There are people out there who suffered, as you are, for years, and I hear them say that their only regret is that they didn't take medication sooner.

This is what I know for sure. Dr. P is the first human being to ever touch you, and he has been your doctor ever since. He has always shown such caring and concern for the three of us. I trust him....literally....with our lives and I always have.

I trust him in this too. If he feels medication is called for, I trust that he is making that recommendation out of a desire to help you.

Add in to all that, the fact that *I* care about you. I know you better than any other person on this Earth, and *I* think that medication could be the answer to what you are struggling through. Let's face it, you have knuckled down over the last couple of weeks, determined to do better....but you're not. Doesn't that illustrate to you that possibly this is out of your control? If you don't trust Dr. P as much as I do, don't you at least trust me?

If you don't want to consider medication, than let's talk about other possible solutions together because, bottom line, I can't stand to sit by and watch your future go up in smoke.

He and I then talked about medication a bit more and I ended the discussion by saying that perhaps he shouldn't make a decision about the medication right now, but should agree to go talk to Dr P about it again...express his concerns about medication, have Dr. P explain how the medicine works, why it works, what he might experience were he to take it.

In the end he agreed to do that...to go see Dr. P again and discuss the options. He does not want me to go with him.

He left to go see CJ, and as he was leaving, I walked to the door with him and gave him a huge, gigantic hug and told him that I love him.

"I love you too, Mom."

And he was gone.

Now the bigger problem is that Dr. P cannot see TJ until Nov 3rd. TJ has mid-terms next week and between his schedule and Dr. P's, Nov 3rd is the earliest appointment that would work. In lieu of that, I made TJ an appointment with the Nurse Practitioner (my favorite one) for Monday morning. However, I am going to call the doctors office tomorrow and see if there is anyway Dr. P would squeeze him in sooner. Dr. P once told me, years ago, "if you or the boys need to see me, you tell the receptionist to relay the message to me and I'll fit you in."

I've never taken advantage of his kind offer, but if there was ever a time when I feel it's necessary, this would be it.

I'm still crying...I can't seem to stop.

Life is a Roller Coaster

2009-10-15T11:05:00.002-05:00

It's just noon, and so far, today has pretty much sucked.

I started out on a high, having stepped on the scales this morning to find I've lost eight pounds.

*Happy Dance*

Then I went to my first client appointment, which was with my client whose son committed suicide last fall.

In fact, it will be a year ago this Saturday that my client lost her son.

She was not doing well with the approaching anniversary, so the two and half hours I spent with her were very difficult and heartbreaking.

As I was driving home, I got an email from the client referral I was to meet with tomorrow --cancelling our appointment. They have contracted with a vendor that they have a prior relationship with.

Big Bummer.

In spite of being disappointed by this turn of events, I was still feeling rather cheerful, reminding myself that things could be worse, thinking about the client I had just left.

And then I arrive home to find TJ still in bed, having slept through classes again.

So much for my cheerful mood.

It's hard not to let my mind wander to the fact that money is going to become an issue soon and my son is pissing away the education my hard earned money is providing.

And yet....I just left this client whose son committed suicide, and with TJ's bouts of depression, I find it hard to push too hard or come down on him as I'd like to for fear I might drive him to something like suicide.

So, I sit here in tears, frustrated and pissed, and not knowing what the hell to do about any of it.

I don't remember buying a ticket for this roller coaster either.

Oh What a Terrible Web We Weave

2009-10-14T17:31:00.002-05:00

I was sitting here this evening minding my own business when my cell phone rang. I answered my phone "this is t-shirt" and this lady says, "T-shirt?", and I said, "Yes."

And she hung up.

I had a really weird feeling about this, I didn't recognize the phone number and a reverse lookup showed it as unlisted, but with the location of a town about 50 miles from here.

A few minutes later my phone rang again...same number.

"Hello?" I said.

"Did you say your name was T-shirt?"

"Yes."

"Well, your number appears on my cell phone bill, apparently my husband BB has been texting with you a great deal, I would appreciate it if the next time he contacts you that you not respond."

And she hung up on me again!

Remember this guy? (also here)

Well, that guy never texted me, we only exchanged emails and a few phone calls setting up our meeting at Starbucks, so I wasn't sure if the BB SHE was referring to was the BB that I met online dating or not.

So I called her back!

"Yes, you just called me about your husband texting me, and I'm being completely honest when I tell you that I don't text with anyone other than my sons and a few of my girlfriends, so I know I didn't receive texts from your husband, BUT, I did meet a man named BB on an online dating site and he emailed me frequently."

I gave her some information about him to assure we were talking about the same guy and we were.

Over the last several months she has found evidence of his philandering.

He's told her that he just texts with these women, but has never met any of them in person.

I assured her that we did meet in person and I explained why I stopped seeing him.

She thanked me for calling her back and hung up.

Then she called me back asking for more information. I answered her questions.

She was actually quite calm, saying she's just done. Done with his lies and deceitful behavior.

Then I got to listen to her whole sob story, which is really very sad.

She and BB married two years ago. She felt like she'd struck gold, that this guy was one of those rare men who would never do something like this to her. She apparently has a really good job and makes great money. He works four hours a day, four days a week, which barely covers his car payment and gas to travel 50 miles one way to work. She has completely supported him all this time,

"I don't know how I'm going to recover from this, get over the shame, but I just called him and told him to come home and get his things, he is OUT OF HERE!"

"Hold on," I said, "there is no reason for you to feel shame. He's the one who did this, he's the one who should feel ashamed. You know, I've been through this before myself, so I know you're in pain, but don't for one second feel like you need to hang your head, and don't wait around for him to feel ashamed, that's probably never gonna happen, he obviously has a problem."

She has told him that she called me and that I told her we met online. "He may call you to cuss you out, I wouldn't answer the phone if he calls," she said.

"Well, I'm hoping all he does is call to cuss me out."

"Oh, he'd never hurt you or anything."

"Yea, well you didn't think he'd do what he's done either...you never know what someone is capable of. He doesn't have my address as far as I know though."

After we hung up, I went online to the dating site, which supplies a way for you to report a member that you have a concern about. I was gonna report his ass, only his profile is no longer available.

Can you imagine, this guy is being supported by this woman, but pays for a dating site?!

Let me just say this. I never would have thought this guy was married, and apparently everything else he told me was the truth, he just left out the tiny little fact that he was married, oh, and where he lives.

Sheesh.

Selling Myself

2009-10-13T19:03:00.002-05:00

I spoke with a new potential client on the phone today and set up an appointment to meet with them on Friday.

This referral came from my old CPA firm, and it's a good one.

This client needs 6-10 hours a week of accounting services, which translates into a lot of money for whomever is lucky enough to snare their business.

My main concern was fee related. I wondered what type of budget they had in mind for contracting this work out.

The client told me on the phone that they were estimating a fee of about $50/hr. I charge $70/hr. However, in discussing the work to be done, I'm confident I can perform the services in fewer hours than they project so that, in the end, the total monthly fee would likely be close to what they were budgeting for.

I am more than willing to reduce my fee if needed in an effort to secure the work.

I then called the graphic artist who has been working on my new business cards and brochures, hoping I would be able to present them at my meeting on Friday.

He said they just came back from the printers, so I picked them up on my way home today.

They look amazing. Well worth the design costs I incurred.

Funny thing though, if I get this client, I won't need to do anymore marketing at this time; my plate will be full.

The new marketing materials are timeless though, so I will be able to use them for years to come.

I have a very good feeling about this prospect. She said, "Well, I don't really know much about your background, Sally (at the CPA firm) just said that you used to work there and gave you a glowing recommendation."

I'm almost positive we will be working together soon.

How's that for confidence?!

All in all, this potential good news made up for the rest of my day which was long and tiring.

I had a grueling two hour meeting at the CPA firm with three partners and one tax accountant trying to hash out proper treatment of burial plots, niches and crypt sales for a cemetery client of mine and pre-need trust accounting for their funeral home.

Then I spent several hours doing the monthly work for the funeral home.

While doing the books, I noticed a large write off on their Accounts Receivable. When I questioned them about it I was told that they had buried the top half of this deceased last year, and recently buried his bottom half and decided to write off 50% of the burial costs.

"What in the world happened that you would bury only half a body?"

Turns out the deceased was military, a victim of a bombing in Iraq. Only half of his body was originally returned.

How sad is that?

LA---Here I Come!

2009-10-12T15:19:00.002-05:00

I just made airline reservations to visit my baby sister in LA!

I'm pumped!

I've never been to LA so I'm looking forward to seeing the sights. I'm also looking forward to seeing my sister. She and her husband moved there this summer and nothing has gone well for them there. If nothing else, I'll serve as a distraction for them both.

I'm going for a long weekend right before Thanksgiving.

I got a referral today from the Human Resources Manager at the CPA firm I used to work at. I am quite excited about the referral because it represents 6-10 hours of work a week. If I could land this client, it would fill all the gaps in my schedule that were created by the sucky economy.

And I could afford to pay my damned expensive Health Insurance!

Let's keep our fingers crossed that this will work out.

I visited my nephew in Illinois yesterday for my great niece's Birthday. Everyone there was sick, so I imagine I'll be suffering with whatever plague it was they all had. When I walked in, my Mom gave me a pretty dirty look, but I smiled and said "Hi!" This left her with no alternative but to say Hi back. The rest of the day we co-existed pleasantly, but did not speak.

All in all, not so bad.

I had the strangest dream last night. It was a sex dream! I was having sex with a guy (I have no idea who he was!) who was quite young. I have no idea where that came from! I rarely even remember my dreams, but apparently this one made an impression.

That's all for now folks

Just Things

2009-10-10T05:05:00.002-05:00

It's getting colder here, I finally broke down and turned my heat on after freezing every morning when getting out of the shower. I also turned on the heated ceramic tile floor in my bathroom. Now that feels like pure decadence.

Our local Farmer's Market is closed for the season, so I suggested to my girlfriends that we venture north to the Fresh Market every Saturday morning. There is also a year round produce store in that area that we will visit every Saturday as well.

**********

During my workout this week I used a few new machines. One of them works your tri-ceps and your entire core. After my workout in weeks past, I've 'felt' my muscles, but not been sore. This weeks workout has left my arms sore, my triceps are screaming!

My trainer is back from vacation and we had a nice little chat about nutrition. We talked about the Naked Juice drinks that I've been enjoying. He is not opposed to them, especially since I only drink one 8oz glass a day. I have gotten out of the habit of keeping a food diary over the past two weeks, so I need to get back on track with that. I'm getting closer to 64 oz of water a day now and have cut my Iced Green Tea consumption down to one 160z glass a day.

I'm slowly making progress.

**********

I've decided that if I'm going to do online dating I need to buy some leather and become a biker chick. I can't even believe the number of Harley dudes that wind up in my matches.

Guido apparently didn't like the fact that I wouldn't turn my cam on. He has disappeared and as you might imagine, I'm heartbroken.

Yea, right.

**********

They recently re-paved the highway I travel most everyday. Now, when the pavement is wet, my tires 'sing'. It's the strangest thing. It actually sounds like voices singing as I drive along.

When I was a little girl, I loved to go across the 'singing bridge'. One of my dad's friends lived on the other side of the singing bridge. We didn't travel that way often, but you would have thought we were going to Disney World; my sister and I would get so excited.

**********

The chipmunks and squirrels are very busy getting ready for winter. I bought these small snack size packages of nuts (walnuts, almonds, peanuts, etc.) and I hate them. How they could screw up nuts I don't know, but I'll take my roasted almonds over these any day. Anyway, I've been leaving a package of nuts for the chipmunks each day.

Helping out the wildlife makes you feel good.

And then yesterday while driving home from a client's, I hit a squirrel. He didn't dart out in front of me or anything, he was just there suddenly, sitting alert in the middle of the road. I couldn't stop fast enough, and he couldn't run fast enough and the ensuing crunch will haunt me for quite a while to come :(

**********

My health insurance premiums are going up 59% in December! Is that not ridiculous?! I am in the process of shopping around for new coverage, but because of my age and the fact I take two lifelong type medications, I am not rated well. I cannot even believe my insurance is going to cost me.......$618 month. For just me!

I'm going to need to get a second job to pay for it.

**********

When I went to bed the other night TJ asked me if I'd remembered to use my eyedrops (they are refrigerated, so I have to go to the kitchen to use them). My immediate reaction was to think how nice it was of him to remember and remind me. Who knew that he gave a damn about my eyes?!

Then it hit me, as I was walking toward the kitchen....wait a minute....he doesn't give a hoot about my eyes....he doesn't want me to interrupt him as he's surfing porn...(like I did a few night's prior when I'd gone to bed and then remembered that I'd forgotten my eyedrops).

That was a fairly uncomfortable moment for both of us.

On My Last Nerve

2009-10-07T11:30:00.002-05:00

Let's see. It's Wednesday.

Two days this week I have come home to find TJ still in bed, having missed his classes.

That's two days out of three for those of you who are not accountants.

I believe there is steam comin' out of my ears.

I had my heart monitor removed yesterday...I slept like shit with that thing on. Good news is I had a ton of those episodes that night.

I saw my Glaucoma doctor today.

I have my annual Mammogram tomorrow.

I am sick of doctors!

This weekend I have to travel to my nephew's house in Illinois for my great-niece's birthday. Originally I had heard that my mother was not going to be there. In an effort to avoid me, she was going to drive to visit the kids during the week one day. Now word has come to me that she IS going to be there.

Gadzooks!

My sister, Mother and I usually take the kids to McDonald's while my nephew and his wife get everything set up for the birthday party. The party will be uncomfortable enough, but lunch at McDonald's is going to be really difficult I imagine.

I considered skipping the lunch, but I feel pretty strongly that I don't want to do something different than I normally would just to avoid my mom.

I have tried telling myself that *I* have nothing to feel uncomfortable about. *I* didn't do anything wrong.

So far that isn't helping.

Guido IM'd me last night and as we chatted he asked if I could turn my cam on. I told him if he had a cam too, I would, but since he doesn't, I wouldn't.

I told him that it made me uncomfortable and asked, "do you want me to be uncomfortable."

To which he replied, "Nevermind".

Works for me!

And that's it for what is going on in my boring life!

Now I'm off to kick TJ's ass.

OK, I'm Baffled

2009-10-05T19:45:00.003-05:00

I spent most of the evening chatting with this Italian Dude from the dating site and I can't get a handle on him.

That makes me nuts.

On the down side, he has removed his profile from the dating site and when I asked him why he said, "Because I'm talking with you."

This is a bit like that guy who wanted me to talk to no one else once we had met for coffee, only the Italian guy didn't ask me not to see anyone else or anything like that. I just worry that he might be like that other guy...getting all involved too fast.

At one point he asked me what the 'perfect' man was to me and I turned it around and asked him what his perfect woman would be.

He said a bunch of stuff and then he said, again, that he wants someone to love him for who is. I asked what he meant by that and he said he wants someone to love him for the person he is inside, not what he looks like or what he owns.

How weird is that? I told him that this is like I'm living in some kind of parallel universe or something. Guys are usually very into how a woman looks and he's wanting someone who doesn't judge him on his good looks alone. I've never had that problem, it's always been more like, "Hey, get to know me cause I'm freakin' adorable once you get to know me!"

He said, "Well, I'm more interested in the woman you are inside than what you look like, as long as you're not overweight."

"But I am overweight! I've been really honest with you about that."

"How old is that picture you sent me yesterday?"

"It's a few weeks old, taken when my sister was here from Chicago."

"Well, you look fine in that picture."

That picture is only from the boobs up though.

So then, he asked me if I had a webcam on my laptop, which I do, so I reluctantly turned it on for him.

I can't tell you how uncomfortable that was for me.

I've been completely honest with the guy, told him I'm, at this point, about 15 pounds overweight, but I still felt very uncomfortable having him looking at me on a webcam....cams are not prone to make you look your best.

Then he said...."can you stand up?"

Ugh.

So I did, and I'm looking at the picture the cam was transmitting to him and thought...crap! What happened to my waist?!! I mean, I looked like I didn't even have a waist! Which I do, thankyouverymuch. I may be overweight, but I do still have a few curves.

And then I remembered that I have this HUGE heart monitor strapped to my side, it's larger than a VHS tape. This big lump...transmitted all the way to London.

Anyway, he said, you look fine...you probably need to lose a little weight, but I still like you.

Oh, and he doesn't have a webcam on his laptop, how convenient is that?

Anyway, I just have this niggling feeling...nothing I can put my finger on, but just something.

Like this guy is trying to gaslight me or something.

I clearly have become too jaded.

It's like this guy seems too good to be true, and he's interested in ME? That just can't be right. Something has got to be wrong here.

How anyone could look at ME on a webcam and not go running and screaming into the night is beyond me.

I now think he's a four foot tall, four hundred pound man who has stolen pictures of some hot Italian dude.

I do have to tell you though, that about 15 times during out chat he said things like, "You are too funny!" "You are crackin' me up!" and "I'm dyin' laughing here!"

Before he signed off he said, "This has been great, you're a lot of fun to talk to."

Uh huh....I'm quite amusing.

All us fat girls are.

Come Monday It'll Be Alright

2009-10-05T07:51:00.002-05:00

Happy Monday to you.

I am not working today because my business is sinking into the toilet as I type. How am I coping with that? Well, I wish all my marketing material was ready so I could do a mailing, then I would at least feel like I'm doing something about the problem. Until then, I'm trying to just enjoy the extra time off.

I do know this.....the people working on my marketing materials do NOT give the kind of service to me that I give to my clients. I cannot even believe it is taking so long. I am sending emails to these people today in an attempt to light a fire under their asses.

In other news, the sleep doctor's nurse called Friday and said the doctor wanted to order a machine to measure my oxygen levels while I slept. If my oxygen levels remained good throughout the night, he would feel comfortable not doing a sleep study, considering my apnea a non-issue. I told them I was more concerned about finding out what was causing this weird sensation as I fall asleep and that I wanted to make sure my heart wasn't out of rhythm or something. To that end he ordered a heart monitor. I have an appointment at the hospital this afternoon to have it attached and then I will return it tomorrow.

I got this new match on the dating site...a Hispanic dude. He is interested in finding a woman who "would not impose her values, likes and dislikes" on him. Makes you wonder what kind of a control freak he's been with in the past, huh?

Last night, this one, came for dinner with her family. I ate too much, where too much includes one brownie. The good news is that between her son and my son, the brownies are now all gone so I don't have to fight temptation every time I walk in my kitchen. Thanks for comin' over Lis...it was fun.

I had a busy, fun weekend...what about YOU?!

This One Owns 'Properties' in.......

2009-10-03T15:49:00.003-05:00

Italy.

The absolutely hunkiest 51 year old I've ever laid eyes on showed interest in me on the dating site I use.

I'm not kidding, this guy is gorgeous.

Which immediately makes me wonder what the heck he sees in me.

I know that sounds like I'm letting all my insecurities hang out, but this guy could have his pick of women and I can't imagine why he'd pick me to show interest in.

He's new to the site so maybe he's overwhelmed with options and decided to just choose ALL of them.

I approach conversations with all these guys with less than an open mind. I've been fed so much bullshit by men on dating sites that I tend to discount half of what they tell me and dissect the other half searching for the crapola.

This gentleman and I chatted in IM for about an hour today and I'm not sure what to think.

This is what he told me:

He is self employed in a professional capacity.

He is currently in London on business, bidding on a job and will return in two weeks.

He was married for 20 years, has been divorced for 3 and has a 23 year old son who is studying in Canada.

His ex had an affair which crushed him.

He plays piano, loves to travel and is looking for a serious relationship.

He was born in Italy but raised in the US and owns several properties in Italy.

Several times during our conversation he mentioned that he was looking for someone who would love him for him. I'm not sure what that means?

His profile says he's 5'11" which means he's probably four foot tall in reality.

All I know for sure is that he's a hottie.

Of course, his pictures may be decades old or stolen from someone else.

Yea, I know, I'm jaded.