Why It's SO Hard
>> Wednesday, November 7, 2007
In B's marriage he learned that his wishes and desires didn't matter. Hell, he didn't matter to his ex. To get what he wanted, sometimes he just went behind her back.
This man with oodles of integrity was reduced to being sneaky and deceitful sometimes.
That is a behavior he learned.
And he still resorts to it with me, even though he doesn't need to.
Early on I told B I had concerns about his drinking but I made it clear that however he chooses to drink is his choice. Then my choice is deciding if I want to be involved with someone who drinks in the way he chooses to.
The same way that if I were bi-sexual I would want him to know that so he could choose whether he wanted to be involved with a bi-sexual. In other words....why say you're something you're not to keep someone? You would spend eternity hiding your true self from them.
He apparently didn't want to lose me so he said he would limit his drinking if it bothered me, to times we went out together, only social drinking. He went so far as to say that drinking isn't important to him, I'm much more important.
And then he continued to drink as he always had, but did it behind my back.
Instead of standing toe to toe with me and discussing it, he told me one thing and then went and did another, behind my back.
I'm sure he feels like he's between a rock and a hard place. If he drinks the way he wants, he might lose me. So he tells me one thing and then does whatever the hell he wants.
Dawn and I have been round and round about this. After much discussion I decided to tell B that I didn't want drinking to be some big power struggle between us and that I'd like us to not even discuss it anymore. I told him that at this point the drinking was almost a side issue compared to his deceitful behavior.
Behavior that is a throw back to what he learned in his marriage from dealing with his ex.
You see, I want us to do better with these things then they did.
But we're not.
And when I said to him the other night that I really wanted to talk about that issue, how he resorted to being deceptive with me, doing what he wanted in spite of a promise he made to me, he said he didn't see any reason to talk about it.
"Oh, really?"
"Well, I don't think it's important, why do we need to talk about it?"
"How about because it's important to me? What if, for instance, you had said to me that you didn't like me meeting a male blogger friend for lunch and I had just said....nothing. I didn't agree with your position on the subject, but I was willing to discuss it, to reassure you. How would it have felt to you if I had just refused to discuss it? OR what if I had said to you, "OK, I won't have lunch with him." and then gone and done it behind your back."
This is where he got up to let the dogs in and then went and gave them treats and then went to the restroom and then came back and totally changed the subject as if we hadn't just been having what I considered to be a very important discussion.
I told Dawn last week that B is very good at communicating when he has an issue with me. He is even good at communicating when I have an issue with him that resulted from a misunderstanding. Or something that came about because of my insecurities.
He totally shuts down when the issue is his behavior.
And I suspect it has to do with the fact that he isn't very proud of this behavior.
He's probably not terribly proud of the drinking but even less proud of the deceitful behavior.
He knows I deserve better than that.
He knows I'm not his ex and he doesn't have to resort to that stuff.
Or maybe not?
See? I don't know. And I don't know because he won't talk about it.
Dawn gave me a 'script' to use when discussing this with B. He should have the script too when we have this discussion. It's your basic "when you ........I feel.......Because......." etc.
The problem is I don't even know how to bring this up, YET AGAIN.
But I can tell you this.
It hurts me that he broke that promise to me, I'd have much rather that he'd never made it. And it really hurts that he did what he wanted behind my back.
It shakes the trust I have in him.
If he could do that behind my back, what else is he capable of doing behind my back?
What he doesn't seem to get is that the longer I'm feeling this way, the more unsure of us I become.
I'm not saying I'm a perfect angel. I've struggled with my own demons. I worked thru it with Dawn because frankly, that's what I pay her for, helping me get a handle on my shit.
B's not talking about his shit with a therapist or with me.
And that's why it's SO hard.
Well, that and the fact that he is so amazing in so many ways. I told Dawn last week that I'm not sure I could find another B.
She thinks I probably could, but I'm not convinced. He really is wonderful, we really are great together in almost every other way.
Maybe I'm like SWF's BFF1? Maybe I just like drama? Maybe I don't know how to be happy? Maybe I'm just an idiot?
7 comments:
Are you an Idiot? No. Far from it. Your readers know that.
Is this really important and not just some trivial drama you need in your life? I think it is very important.
As you say so well, the issue isn't nearly so much the drinking as it is the dishonesty.
You know my views on this. He will have to face his demons and slay them himself. The trick will be how to make him see those demons for what they are.
For your sake I'll hope he has a revelation soon.
TAG
No, I think his lying about the drinking is completely different than just counting the number of times he says "I love you," which is what my friend is doing (which is a petty, pissy thing to get upset over).
I think expecting him to be as open and communicative in general as you are is a different topic. Some people just don't talk about how they feel. (IMO), it doesn't make them wrong, it just means they don't have the same need to talk about everything.
But not being a touchy-feely talkative kind of person is no excuse for lying to the person you love. You've got to be able to believe he's telling you the truth when he DOES talk. I think he should feel free not to talk when he doesn't want to, but the words he does say should be the honest.
(dropping into overanalyst mode)
There are several possible reasons that one might be distressed over someone else's drinking habits.
1) Excessive consumption may lead to health problems in the future.
2) He engages in self destructive behavior when intoxicated.
3) When intoxicated, he engages in behavior that endangers others.
4) The amount of money spent on purchasing alcohol may result in financial distress.
5) His personality becomes annoying or verbally abusive after consuming alcohol.
6) Too much alcohol renders him impotent.
7) Other: ______________________
(following questions for personal discussion, not for posting answer)
Which of these reasons are relevant in your situation? Why do you consider them relevant? Are there past experiences with others that suggest he fits into a familiar pattern that caused you harm?
I think the answers to these questions might help you to crystalize your approach in confronting him. I suspect that this is big... like two-choice dilemma big. If you view his tactics as an attempt to steal your choice in the dilemma, you have to be ready to risk it all in the relationship and face the possibility that you can find someone else. It all comes down to what you are willing to give up and what you refuse to cede.
The best in you will be able to find that boundary and enforce it.
Be strong!
--
2amsomewhere
Oh boy. If he's anything like mine, it's possible he needs a day or two to muddle through the issue. Lancelot usually can't see where he's being a dick until after the discussion, after he's defended himself (because that's his first response). Then, a day or two later, after he's had some space and time to think it out, he comes back and apologizes and recognizes what I was trying to tell him all along.
It doesn't make it easy. But knowing him, knowing that it's likely he'll be able to talk about it or try to resolve the issue in a day or two, makes it slightly easier for me not to go flying off the handle at him.
Re: drinking, Lancelot does the same thing in terms of telling me what I want to hear, and it pisses me right the fuck off (it's usually about when he'll be home). He has intentions of following through, but ultimately he's being a sneaky little fucker and I know it and he knows it.
All I can say is, 10 years of this and I still love him to pieces. He's wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He's sneaky and he manipulates and he has trouble owning up to his faults, but the good outweighs the bad.
I guess that's what you have to figure out. What's your limit, and does the good make the bad bearable.
I sense a desire to look at reasons for moving past B, and trying out C, or some other letter.
Issues get resolved at this stage of life, not paved over like some badly built road.
What everyone else said especially swf42 ;-) Seriously though, it has just occurred to me that while you have had some time to mull over an issue before bringing it up with B, he hasn't until that very moment. Does that make sense?
Post a Comment