My 'Sexy' Voice

Last night while TJ and I were eating dinner, the subject of my voice came up.

According to him, when I talk he hears "Neeh Neeh Neeh Neeh Neeh."

"That sounds like a witchy voice." I protested.

"Uh huh, when you talk, that's what I hear, a witchy voice."

"Huh. Well, I'll have you know that in the last week or two, I've had three men say that I have a Sexy Voice. Well actually, I've heard that all my life, but three times in just the last week!"

"How gullible are you?! All guys say that, hell, I tell girls that all the time."

Which kinda makes sense, cause when *I* hear my voice, it doesn't sound the least bit sexy.

Then today, the Musician Dude called me. I was in the car with the window down and he said, "Roll your window up, I can hardly hear your sexy voice."

"Pfft. Sexy voice...you're just sayin' that. I have it on good authority that I have a witchy voice and that you guys saying I have a sexy voice is just a ploy."

"I don't need a ploy, and you do have a sexy voice, especially on the phone and in bed."

*rolls eyes*

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Miscellany

Small Town Guy called and invited me to his Small Town for dinner Friday night. In preparation, I've dusted off my chastity belt and intend to leave the key at home, tied around Baby's neck.

Saturday night I'm seeing the recently divorced guy (Hello Dawn? This dude needs a name!). I am going to his house for pizza, beer and a movie.

TJ seems to be doing much better since his meds kicked in. He signed up for classes today for next semester. Since we won't meet with the Career Counselor until early December, choosing classes was a bit difficult. I encouraged him to take classes that really interested him since we're not sure what major he may choose yet.

He is re-taking Geography (which is the class he knows he is going to fail from this semester), a Film Studies class, Metaphysics and a class that covers the music of The Beatles. If he doesn't ace next semester then I'd say college is not for him.

None of his classes begin before noon which should work better with his natural bio-rhythms.

I am tentatively letting out a sigh of relief where TJ is concerned.

I finally got around to listening to the CD that CJ burned for me. The very first song blew me away. I came home and asked TJ if he'd heard the song, which is an acoustic version of one of my favorite songs - "Hey Ya" by Outcast. TJ had heard it and really liked it too.

"Well, who is the artist?"

"Some nobody (I doubt the artist would appreciate that pronoun) who became a big sensation on Youtube."

Yea, it seems I'm the only person on the planet who hadn't heard this version of this song...there are over 4 MILLION views on YouTube

You can listen to this nobody (Matt Weddle) here.

I think it's brilliant. Not only that, but it's easier to appreciate some of the well written lyrics in this version.

Music Appreciation Class is over, you're all dismissed.

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One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila....FLOOR!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before on my blog, but I don't drink Tequila.

Joe Nichols sings of how Tequila makes her clothes fall off, and I have that issue with Tequila, but my problems go even deeper....no pun intended (you'll get the joke in a second here).

I'm liable to do anything if I've been drinking Tequila, which is why I don't. For instance, I don't like anal sex and the reason I know this has everything to do with Tequila.

Then there was the time a few years ago when the Musician Dude got me loopy on the stuff. We had consumed several beers when he pulled out a shot glass and the bottle of Tequila.

"You know I don't touch that stuff and you know why."

"Yea, but you're among friends, I promise I won't approach from the rear."

We each drank a couple of shots, and I went from zero to stupid drunk in about fifteen minutes.

He took me by the hand and led me back into the kitchen. Standing at the counter he said, "Here, we're each gonna do one more shot."

I'll spare you the ensuing conversation, but suffice it to say there was a lot of whining and complaining on my part.

He kept insisting I have one more shot and since the whining and complaining wasn't working, I decided to engage in a distraction maneuver and fell to my knees and got busy in the area of his fly.

"Nice try, now get up here and do your shot."

So I drank my damn shot, and he and I walked into the living room. He walked between the coffee table and couch and started to sit down. I walked around the coffee table to have a seat on the other end of the couch.

Next thing I knew, I 'woke up' with my feet on one side of the coffee table, and my head laying on the other side of the coffee table on the floor.

"Are you OK?!!"

I shook the cloud out of my head and said, "Yea, but I think the lens popped out of my glasses."

He picked me up and sat me on the couch, then sat beside me and worked at putting my lens back in place.

Laughing his ass off the whole time.

"You just kinda folded in half there honey. Actually, now I can see how you happened to experience anal sex after drinking Tequila....you were in the perfect position!"

Jump forward to my date on Saturday night. First of all, it was an eleven hour date. The longest date I've ever had in my life that didn't involve a sleep over.

This date was with the recently divorced guy, and really DAWN, we need a better name for him. Anyway, he took me to this really neat place about and hour and a half away. One of the features of this place was a wine tasting room.

We drank endless samples of wine. Seriously, I wouldn't be surprised to know that we had consumed three glasses of wine in total. The problem was that we were consuming them very fast. The dude was serving them as if he were dealing blackjack in Vegas. I've never experienced wine tasting like that, it was like we were trying out for some new world record of wine consumption or something.

Anyway, when I stood up, I definitely felt the effects of the wine.

Next on the agenda was a musical production. While we sat in the auditorium waiting for the show to begin, we were talking about the different wines that we'd liked and somehow Margaritas came up.

"Well," I said, "I don't drink those. I don't drink Tequila."

And then I told him why.

Which he found very funny, but the next morning I was thinking that perhaps I should give up wine too. Apparently it loosens my tongue to an alarming degree.

When gulped instead of sipped, that is.

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Paying for the Pleasure of my Company

You are gonna laugh when I tell you this, and honestly, it just occurred to me last night, but.....I have paid for my own way on every one of my recent dates.

Oh, the men always try to pay, but I throw money at them to cover my half of the meal and mutter about how I don't think guys should have to carry the burden of dating.

Three dates in with Small Town Guy, well, I think I've set a precedent where he probably expects me to pay and I guess that I now feel obligated to pay my half.

Traditional dating is supposed to be where the guy wines and dines the lady, right?

I kinda like being wined and dined when the wining and dining is being done by someone I'm really interested in, but I have set up this impossible situation now where Small Town Guy will probably never feel a need to wine and dine me.

When I went out last weekend with the recently divorced guy and he went to pay the bill, I threw money at him and he said, "Wow, you really are independent, huh?"

I really don't think my behavior is a result of being independent, it's more a function of my being stoopid.

I mean, really, what was I thinking?! I have no idea what underlying issue is at work when you refuse to allow a man to buy your dinner.

I also wonder what these guys think of my behavior.

I met my friend Dee this morning for coffee and we were discussing my date last night with Small Town Guy, and I told her how hard it was not to just jump into bed with him, (although it really wasn't that hard...we were at my house and TJ could have come home at any time) and then we were laughing about my illogical behavior regarding paying my own way on dates and she said, "Tell him he has to buy you dinner next time, or there will be no sex!"

She was joking, but you kinda wonder how many guys see buying a woman dinner as an investment in their sexual future. Do guys think like that?!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on all this.

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An Hour or Two with my Boys

CJ called yesterday afternoon and wanted to know what I was doing. He's been trying to get out of the house each day for a while in an attempt to improve his mood.

"Well, I'm leaving in a few minutes to go workout, but I'll be back in about an hour. TJ should be home from school soon though, so come on by."

When I got back, both of my boys were here so we began doing what we do best.....talking.

With these two, the conversation is liable to go anywhere and yesterday it wandered to a documentary CJ had seen online about a very smart bird named Alex.

"Oh," I said, "I have that book, 'Alex and Me', you'd love it!" So, I went and retrieved it for him from my bookshelf.

Then he described a movie he'd seen online that was not released due to copyright issues with the music used by the artist, Nina Paley. Apparently Nina's husband took a job in India, and while there dumped her via email. So Nina created this movie, which is somehow loosely based on her life but told as the story of Sita and Rama. I haven't figured out yet how it's based on her life though.

Anyway, I've watched half of it so far, and it is an amazing piece of work, "Sita Sings the Blues".

Then CJ said that he's been using a sleeping aid, Lunesta, in an attempt to get to sleep before dawn. The medication is working, but he now has some very strange dreams.

"I used to never remember my dreams, but these dreams are the kind that you wake up from briefly, and fight to get back to sleep and back into the dream."

TJ's ears perked up when CJ mentioned his dreams. TJ dreams alot and, almost without fail, he runs to the computer to see if he can interpret his dreams using some website. He is almost compulsive about this stuff.

CJ said, "Last night I dreamed that I was in a huge bowl of mashed potatoes, and my job was to stir them up. I kept waking up, and this lumpy pillow was laying beside me and I'd think, 'Oh, the potatoes are still lumpy, I've got to get them mixed up better', and then I'd go back to sleep and keep trying to stir those damned mashed potatoes!"

"Mashed potatoes?" asked TJ. "Just plain Mashed potatoes? No gravy?"

"Yea, plain potatoes, no gravy....it was the weirdest thing. And then later I dreamed I was driving to Chicago, you know Mom on that road we take, what is it, 80/94?"

"Uh huh"

"Well, I was driving on that road and I had to get to Chicago for some reason; it always seems like in these dreams I have a purpose; some job to do."

"Was the road bumpy?" asked TJ.

"No."

"Was it cracked?"

"No, but there was a flood."

"Oh!" said TJ. "Was it a small flood or a raging flood?"

"It was a raging flood, and I was all upset cause I couldn't get to Chicago."

"OK," said TJ, "let me check that out."

And up he hops and runs to his computer to interpret CJ's dreams.

For some reason, this cracked me up. TJ drilling CJ for the details that he knew would be 'key' in interpreting his dreams. Apparently gravy has some deep meaning, and lack of it must have some significance too.

TJ couldn't find anything related to Mashed potatoes, but determined that, I think it was the flood, represents sexual frustration.

Then they both started raggin' on me for bringing men I hardly know home. They weren't concerned about my safety, or anything loving like that, they felt it was inappropriate since I still have a child at home.

"Huh? But I don't still have a child at home. I have a 19 year old adult living under my roof with me. You know, when you boys were younger, I didn't bring anyone home to meet you until I was fairly involved with them. I don't think I need to practice the same caution in that regard as I did when you were younger."

"Well, I don't like having strangers around." TJ said.

"That's funny, cause some of your friends are pretty strange, but I have to endure their presence."

Then CJ said he'd burned a CD for me and left it on my desk. Both of my boys try to turn me on to various artists, but CJ has a much better success rate than TJ does. Every once in a while TJ will get a hit; I'm in love with Citizen Cope because of him for example, but usually I pretty much hate the crap TJ insists I listen to.

I haven't listened to the CD that CJ left me yet, I've been too busy watching "Sita Sings the Blues", but CJ labelled it "Acoustic for Mom", which tickled me.

We also talked about cooking; CJ loves to cook and always makes my mouth water when he tells me what recent dishes he's whipped up. Then we watched TJ play some Jack Black video game and discussed that new movie, "Paranormal Activity", which CJ thought was really good, but I still don't wanna see it. I don't like being scared. Unless I'm reading Stephen King, then scared is stellar.

Usually by the time CJ leaves I'm exhausted. It's non-stop brain drain.

Those two are pretty entertaining though.

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Burning the past

I was laying in bed early this morning when I got a phone call.

I needed to jot down some information, so I opened my nightstand and grabbed a pencil and one of several old journals, to write on.

Then I hung up the phone and sat back and read the journal.

Whoo Boy. Is that ever uncomfortable; reading through an old journal which, day by day, memorializes the downward spiral of a relationship.

Yet, I'm convinced that journaling is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.

This journal was from about three years ago, and covers the time when I was dealing with my unhappiness with my Long Distance Relationship. Through journaling I made some pretty important discoveries.

You could call it my 'Lightbulb Moment'.

Now, most people, when they have a 'Lightbulb Moment', actually make important changes or embrace certain realities.

However, I'm not like most people.

In my journal I talked about needing to take six months to a year, just to recover and regroup. I talked about needing to be happy with *me* before I tried to be with someone else. I vowed to get my shit together, once and for all.

Huh.

Well, I did start seeing Dawn, my therapist, at that time and that was immensly helpful, but I also got involved with B within three or four months, and we all know how that turned out.

The thing is, that in looking back through this journal and all the promises I made to myself (that I promptly blew off), I realize that three years later, almost to the day, I have accomplished those things. Yes, I had to wade through one more difficult breakup to arrive at the place where I found myself happy with my own company, but I did get there. I had to get knocked down that far so that it would take me over a year to pick myself up, brush myself off, and put myself back out there.

It all started me to thinking about how sometimes, this needs to happen, before that can happen.

I guess what I mean is that maybe I needed to have B in my life and experience all the wonderul things I experienced with him, and experience the very difficult letting go of all those wonderful things, before I could finally, really grasp, how wonderful *I* am, just by myself.

I remember, several years ago, re-reading the journals I kept during and right after my divorce. It was shocking. Shocking to remember how much I was going through during that time, and shocking to realize, that overall, I did an amazing job moving through it all.

When I journal, I am as honest as I can possibly be; the good, the bad, the ugly, the completely neurotic. I've never been aware of it until now, but when I journal, I am writing a message to my future self: See how bad that was and see how much you learned as a result?

I have never been able to burn my journals, but honestly? I think I'm getting closer and closer to the place where I can burn them because I'm closer to being whole than I've ever been before in my life.

One day, I'm gonna burn my past, but for now I take comfort in knowing that all the hard lessons of life are hidden away between those pages...... should I ever need a refresher course.

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Ten Stupid Things

1. Twelve pounds down and eight to go! This workout I’m doing is awesome, coupled with the major changes I’ve made in the way I eat (and cutting out all those sugary sodas). It’s kinda weird though, I can ‘feel’ the loss in the way my clothes fit, but I can’t really ‘see’ it when I look in the mirror.

2. TJ and I went to dinner tonight and he pissed me the hell off. Somehow the conversation turned to B, and TJ stated that he thought I was a “typical woman” because I dumped “poor” B just because he had a problem with alcohol. TJ felt I should have been more loving, offered support, helped him….”NOT LET HIM DRINK’. Must be nice to be 19 and totally clueless. Not let B drink? First of all, I was never around when he drank; he purposely drank behind my back. Secondly, I was as supportive and loving as I could be, for the better part of a year. Still, TJ’s comments brought back all the turmoil I was in during that time and it hurt to know that he doesn’t support my decision to move on from that relationship. Last time I take that brat to dinner!

3. I went out this weekend with the guy my blogger friend introduced me to. He has said that he isn’t interested in getting involved with anyone right now, since he is so newly divorced, and I would never get involved with someone who was so newly divorced, so I suggested that we just be friends. This weekend we are going to some dinner/theatre place that is about an hour and a half away…sounds like fun.

4. Small Town Guy is coming to have dinner with me Friday night and then we are coming back to my house to watch a movie. This way he can see where I live, meet TJ and Bailey and he can see my Salt and Pepper Shaker collection! If he doesn’t run screaming into the night after viewing it, I might just get frisky on the couch with him after TJ goes out. But not TOO frisky!

5. Two weeks from tonight I will be in LA visiting my baby sister. She is getting us tickets to see either Craig Ferguson or Jimmy Kimmel. She tried to get Conan tickets, but they sent them for the following week, after I come home.

6. The quest I’m on to get new Health Insurance is SO freakin’time consuming! Health Insurance is the one really big drawback to being Self Employed. Oh, and the Self Employment Tax, that sucks pretty hard too. Oh, and the not enough business in this economic downturn, that blows as well.

7. Christmas must be around the corner. I know this because every day when I open my mailbox, it is stuffed full of catalogs. I am going to have to really work myself into some kind of Christmas Spirit this year. CJ is depressed, TJ is a mess, I’m not speaking to my Mom and I’m trying to watch my pennies. All in all, I’m gonna have to dig pretty deep to find some joy.

8. CJ and his girlfriend will not be having Thanksgiving Dinner with us this year; they are headed north to partake with her family. That means I get to cook a big ole’ meal for me and that brat, TJ.

9. The Mexican dudes came and mowed and raked and trimmed and cleaned gutters. I love these guys….I wish they cleaned houses and did windows! I can’t really communicate with them very well, so we stand and smile and point a lot at each other, but somehow it works. Maybe this is a method I should try on the men that I date; just smile and point a lot.

10. My ex husband called three weeks ago and arranged to stop by and drop off the child support he is months behind on. Only he didn’t stop by as arranged and I’ve heard nothing from him. Between the child support and his half of non-reimbursed medical, I think he owes me close to $2,500. I could sure use that money before Christmas, the asshat.

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