No one in my life is very happy with my decision to jettison my relationship with my Mother, pathetic as that relationship is.
Granted, they don't come right out and say they're unhappy with me, but it's pretty easy to tell that my position leaves them uncomfortable.
It's all in what we don't say, I suppose. I vowed to myself not to discuss it with my siblings and I haven't, but I can sense their uneasiness.
I had lunch with Dee today and we briefly discussed the situation. I told her that I feel like I've been holding a grudge against my Mother my entire life. The problem is that there is so much to hold against her, and as I've tried over the years to just let it all go, she always manages to pile more crap on top of the mountain of crap that's already there. It's like I'm shovelling as fast as I can, but I can never make a dent in the heap.
My Mother is a master at emotional blackmail and manipulation. The fact of the matter is that everyone in her life, every man she's been involved with, her parents when they were alive, her siblings and her children, everyone, has bowed to her wishes in an attempt to make her happy.
Every single one of those people has failed.
In spite of a litany of, "Yes dear, whatever you say dear", no man has made her happy.
A continual chorus of "Yes Mom", from her children hasn't made her happy.
Her older sister, who is by far the most wonderful person I've ever known, did everything possible to make my mother happy. And in return, my mother bad mouthed her behind her back every chance she got.
Ditto with her friends.
One of her oldest friends, Vic, stopped talking to her a couple of years ago. Mom knew what she had said that pissed Vic off, but couldn't understand why that would lead to Vic ending their friendship. I imagine that, like me, the mountain of transgressions had just gotten too large to deal with. I suppose it was the proverbial 'icing on the cake', the much ballyhooed 'final straw'.
I don't feel like I need to justify my decision. Anyone who really knows my Mother, knows my Mother. I doubt there is a person among us who hasn't questioned why they tolerate her.
"Overall though, how do you feel about it?" Dee asked.
"Relieved, to be honest, and I'm at peace with my decision, but then the way my sister's obviously feel about my decision leaves me with this guilt."
Which is just typical. My Mother, who in my opinion has much to feel guilty about where her children are concerned, either feels none or buries it pretty deep.
I suppose I feel like the 'right' thing to do to is suck it up, one more time, and go back to swallowing her shit.
But then I think of what a relationship is supposed to be about, what a parent/child relationship should look like, and I know that what I experience with my Mother doesn't come close to cutting the mustard.
Where I feel I operate from a place of selflessness with my children, my Mother's motives are almost always selfish. Where I approach all situations with my children from a place of love, with concern for their feelings, my Mother rarely exhibits love for her family and our feelings are the furthest thing from her mind.
Then in the next breath I think of 'turning the other cheek' and how I should be a bigger person. I mean, my sisters continue to put up with her, why do I feel so strongly that I'm.Just.Done.?
All three of my sisters have said that they think Mom is hardest on me. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do think that she and I have had a more contentious relationship always. Some of that is due to the fact that I'm more liable to call her on her shit than they are and some of it is probably due to the fact that we're a lot alike in many ways.
What I know for sure is that I've worked at learning how to stand up for myself. I've learned to not accept less than I deserve from the people in my life. I now know what I have to give and I've learned that I can choose who I give it to.
I'm having a very hard time convincing myself that she deserves me. Yet society seems to think that we owe our parents something. I question what I could possibly owe her. I don't wish her harm, but I feel like I've given all I'm willing to give when all that gets returned to me is negative, vengeful, unloving sentiment.
How many times do you allow someone to kick you before you say enough? I know in my heart I have carried on, allowing her to mistreat me far longer than I would anyone else in my life.
CJ has been estranged from his Father for quite some time now and I remember asking him how he would feel if, today, he found out his Father had died. Would he regret their estrangement? He seems very comfortable with his position, which is that he has opened his heart up to his Father again and again, and his Dad always hurts him. "I'm not giving him the chance to inflict another wound Mom."
From the mouths of babes.
Here's the thing that I find interesting, or telling, CJ was raised never having to question my love for him and somewhere along the line he learned to stand up for himself. He's tried, over and over again with his Father and he's given up in an effort to protect himself from further harm.
I can't help but think I'd have been much better off had I been as emotionally healthy as he is. If I had walked away from the relationship with my Mother in my twenties, I may have been able to heal instead of having old wounds continually opened up. If weighed on a scale, I know that there is a huge imbalance between what I've given and what I've received through this relationship with my Mother.
It's an odd feeling to be at peace with the decision you made, in the sense that I think it's the right decision for me, but have to deal with the guilt that other people inflict on you because of the decision you've made.
I'd love to hear what my readers think about all this.
Should I stay or should I go?
Read more...
